People often ask me for advice. Well, sometimes people ask me for advice. Oh heck! Nobody ever asks me for advice. But I wish they would, because I have wanted to be an advice columnist my entire career.
You may wonder what qualifications I could possibly have for advising others. Quite simply, the more one has botched up her own life, the more qualified one is to tell other people how to avoid botching up theirs.
So today, I will offer advice as though I were a real advice columnist using real questions that real people would have asked me if they had thought of them.
Dear Clever Advice Columnist,
My neighbors seemed nice enough when they moved in a few years ago, so when they asked to borrow our lawn mower, we agreed. Since then, they borrow it once a week all summer. They even get it out of our garage without asking. From a cup of sugar the week they moved in, they’ve begun to borrow not one egg, but a dozen, and not just my mixer, but my oven. Last week they brought a list when they came over. They left my house with two pounds of hamburger, buns, ketchup, pickles and potato chips. And they didn’t even invite us to the cookout. I believe in being neighborly, but they’re eating me out of house and home. What can I do?
Signed,
Not a grocery store
Dear Not a Grocery Store,
Wow! They really mow once a week?
Dear Wise and Powerful Advice Columnist,
My fiancé and I are deeply in love but we are from vastly different backgrounds. Everyone says our marriage is doomed. What do you think?
Signed,
Finished Before We Start
Dear Finished,
Nobody can tell who you should or shouldn’t marry–except me. I can tell you. And I say there are three ingredients essential to a long marriage: commitment, communication, and agreement on where the thermostat should be set. If you and your fiancé have all of these, go ahead. And don’t invite any naysayers to your wedding–unless you think you can get a good gift out of them.
Oh Wise One,
My dear friend of twenty-five years has recently developed serious financial problems and has asked me for loans on several occasions. So far, I’ve avoided the situation by making excuses, but I feel like a heel. I’m no Bill Gates, but I am doing pretty darn well. And this is a good friend we’re talking about. Should I loan him the money?
Signed,
Not Bill Gates
Dear Not Bill,
Please don’t take this wrong, but are you nuts? Sure! Go ahead and loan him the money–if you never want to see it again. Then don’t come crying to me. If you’re just feeling guilty about not sharing your wealth, consider making a gift to a favorite charity–or to me.
Dear Keeper of all Wisdom,
My 25th high school reunion is coming up this summer. I want to go, but I’ve gained 40 pounds. My wife left me for the class nerd who is now the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I was recently fired from my job. To add insult to injury, I was voted Most Likely to Succeed. How should I handle the reunion?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Wow! I’d sign Anonymous if I were you too. I’m joking! Seriously, I don’t believe anyone should attend a class reunion until they have something to show for themselves. That’s why I haven’t attended one in years. But if you insist on going, do what countless other reunion attendees before you have done. LIE!
Well that’s all the space we have. And remember reader, the best advice is, never take any bad advice. (If you’re seeking advice, contact drosby@rushmore.com – unless you want good advice.)
(Contact drosby@rushmore.com or see www.dorothyrosby.com.)
