I have a recurring nightmare. I’m faint with hunger, clutching a fistful of dollar bills, and lying in a heap at the foot of a vending machine that won’t accept my money because it’s wrinkled. That’s why, during this National Inventors Month, I’m proposing my own invention: Dollar bill irons in vending machines to ensure that this tragedy never happens to anyone, especially me.
Not that I could invent it myself. I wish I was an inventor, but I imagine I’d need more garage space and a basic understanding of a lot of things I don’t currently understand at all. No, I’m strictly an idea person. And while I’m at it, here are a few more ideas I’d like to take the credit for without having to do the actual inventing.
I want all products to come equipped with mechanisms to help the user fit them back into their container. I can put 40,000 songs on an iPod Classic and 15,00 photos on my camera’s memory card, but I can’t fit my sleeping bag back into the sack it came in.
Since hotel guests can’t be more thoughtful about my sleep issues, I’m proposing hotel doors that close silently instead of with a bang. In the hotels I stay in, it sounds like the guests are mad all the time.
If I can’t have a wrinkle stopper for my dollar bills – and my face – I’d at least like it for my clothing, especially my pants. Only people who stand all day can avoid getting lap wrinkles, and I prefer to sit – at those times when it’s not appropriate to lie down.
I’d like to see bandages covered with a numbing agent so it doesn’t hurt so badly when I take them off and yank my arm hairs out.
Every since I misplaced it in the trashcan, I’ve been hoping someone would invent a way to remotely change my cell phone from vibrate to volume 10. It needs to be able to cry for help sometimes.
How about a one-click way to respond safely to spammers? I could instantly send each spammer 10,000 messages asking them if their mother knows what they’re doing and telling them to get a real job. At the same time, I’d like a way to snatch back e-mails I didn’t mean to send or sent to the wrong person – especially if I accidentally sent them 10,000 messages.
Yes, there’s much left to invent, but during this National Inventors Month, let’s not forget to celebrate the inventions we already have as well as the inventors who invented them. Naturally I can’t help but think of the biggies: antibiotics, the combustible engine, and diet soda. In the 1800s Levi Strauss invented one of my favorites: Blue jeans. I have no idea what people wore on weekends in the 1700s.
In 1780, the first toothbrush was made by William Addis of Clerkenald, England. He must have been desperate because he used cow bones for the handles and bristles from the necks and shoulders of swine for the brush. No more cavities for Mr. Addis, but his breath must have smelled like a barnyard.
Zippers were patented this very month in 1893. Prior to that people went around with their jackets wide open all the time.
The first dishwasher was invented in 1850, but it took another hundred years before the technology became efficient enough for the public to take notice. By that time, the food must have really been dried on.
What would we do without tweezers, and toothpicks, and electric lights? How much better our life is because of microwave ovens, Velcro and toilets – especially toilets. ATM machines hand out money – if we have any. Stoplights keep us from colliding with other cars – if we pay attention to them. And vending machines dispense small amounts of snacks for large amounts of money – sometimes.
(Contact drosby@rushmore.com or see www.dorothyrosby.com.)
