My tires went flat, my oven died, and my printer stopped printing–all just before Christmas. This was lucky because I was able to hint to everyone I know that all I wanted for Christmas was a new gas oven, a new printer, and a new set of tires. Some people think practical items like these don’t make good gifts, but those people haven’t priced new gas ovens.
I guess my hints weren’t clear enough because I didn’t find tires, a printer, or an oven under my tree. It’s not too late. I would still graciously accept all of the above for early birthday gifts. My birthday isn’t until August, but even I can’t do without an oven that long.
Honestly, I don’t see how I could have worn an oven out. When it started taking longer to finish the job, I thought it was because of the dust that has settled in it. Just to be sure, I called a very nice oven repairman. He said it wasn’t the dust. We both thought he’d fixed the problem, but my Thanksgiving turkey didn’t agree. Neither did the guests who ate it.
So I called the oven repairman again. He did what he could, but in the end he pronounced my oven terminal. He told me it may work for awhile, but it won’t be very reliable – much like the cook. That was three weeks before Christmas. Some people would see this as a problem, but where other people see a problem, I see an opportunity – the opportunity to get out of baking. Now that the Christmas baking season is over, I could really use a new oven. Hint, hint.
My printer has been making more noise than seems necessary lately. It’s also been giving me error messages about something called an ink pump, which sounds vital in a printer. Sometimes the printer prints, but more and more often, it does not. The problem seemed to get worse just at that time when organized people were copying Christmas letters for those they care about. I care about many people too, but my printer wasn’t working. Also, I didn’t write a Christmas letter.
Around that time, my front driver’s side tire was low. I limped to the tire shop where the tire man told me the problem was the bead. Did I know what a bead is? “Yes,” I said, “I know a bead when I see one, but what does that have to do with my tire?”
“The bead,” he said, “refers to the edge of the tire that sits on the wheel.” Oh. Even I can see why it would be better if it sat there tightly.
He fixed the tire, but a few days later, my front passenger side tire was low. This time the problem was a nail. I do know what a nail is. The tire man fixed that too, but he told me nails and beads are the least of my worries. I said, “I know! My oven and my printer aren’t working.”
He said to add to the list that my tires need replacing. I refused to believe it. Everything can’t fall apart at once, can it? Someone suggested I try the penny test to see for myself. You place a penny upside down in the tire tread and if you still see all of Lincoln’s hair, you need new tires. My good friend Google said a quarter works even better. I haven’t purchased a new printer or a new gas oven yet, so I still have some pennies and quarters left. And after consulting with Lincoln and Washington, both wise presidents with fine heads of hair, I decided that yes, I do need new tires.
I guess that’s how life is sometimes. You’re going along fine, when all of a sudden your Thanksgiving turkey takes an extra hour to cook, your printer stops printing, and politicians can no longer hide in your tire tread. Don’t feel bad for me. But if you do, send pennies and quarters. A lot of them. Hint, hint.
(Contact drosby@rushmore.com or see www.dorothyrosby.com.)
