THE LAST HAND – A good cabin-fever joke about our lovely snow

Bob Sweeney

Bob Sweeney

It seems, historically, whenever the National Western Stock Show arrives, the bitter cold weather comes right along with the fancy livestock, horses, sheep and chickens. The recent snow has been minor compared to cold snaps that put the temperature into minus degrees across the state.

Skiers are reporting awesome snow at all the Colorado ski slopes, and it will again be a bumper year for our mountain ski towns and avid skiers. If you play in the snow, it warms up the winter and brings cheering when the white powder arrives. If one doesn’t ski, the snow means snarled traffic, slippery streets and snow shoveling, but also water for the grass and trees next summer.

New residents continue to trek to Colorado to live, work and play in our great state. Many new apartment buildings dot the skyline around the metro area.

The following is a little reminder that we have published before about the experience of one new couple who moved to the Colorado mountains: 

“Why We Live by the Ocean in California” (author and source unknown)

Dec. 8, 6 p.m. A personal log:

It started to snow. The first snow of the season, and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print.  So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

Dec. 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

Dec. 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry—we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

Dec. 14:

Snow, lovely snow. Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to 20 below zero. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so much.

Dec. 15:

Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

Dec. 16:

Storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

Dec. 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a woodstove, but won’t admit it to her. God, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

Dec. 20:

Electricity’s back on, but I had another 14 inches of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. The darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

Dec. 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today and it’s so cold.  It probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up warm to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed and then dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s lying.

Dec. 23:

Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house for Christmas morning. What is she, nuts?  Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

Dec. 24:

Six inches of snow packed so hard by snowplow, broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street 100 miles an hour and throws the snow all over where I’ve just been. Tonight, the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was to busy watching for the snowplow.

Dec. 25:

Merry yucky Christmas! Twenty more inches of the slop tonight—snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch It’s a Wonderful Life one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

Dec. 26:

Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

Dec. 27:

Temperature dropped to 30 degrees below zero and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

Dec. 28:

Warmed up to above 20 below zero.  Still snowed in. My wife is driving me crazy.

Dec. 29:

Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

Dec. 30:

Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for $1 million, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his posterior. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

Dec. 31:

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

Jan. 8:

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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