I know there are no dumb questions, but there are dumb people asking questions. I never want to be one of those people. But I do have a lot of questions.
For example, why do family members put empty cereal boxes back in the cupboard and empty milk jugs back in the refrigerator? Do they think there’s a cow in there?
And why don’t products that come packaged in a perfect box, fit back into the same box? Is it so we won’t return them?
And if the headlines on the front of the Cosmopolitan magazine appeared on a men’s magazine instead of a women’s magazine, would they still put it in plain view in the grocery store checkout aisle?
And why don’t the owners of dogs that bark all night hear them like the rest of us do? And if they do hear them, why don’t they do something about it?
Do dental hygienists ever get cavities? Do accountants ever get audited? Do off-duty highway patrolmen ever get stopped for speeding?
And speaking of speeding, will it go better for you if, when you’re pulled over, you remember to use your blinker?
When sports fans talk about their favorite professional sports team, why do they say “we?” Does cursing the officials and punching the couch cushions make you a member of the team?
If pork is the other white meat, why is ham pink?
When the media announces that some important person is leaving their job for other opportunities, why don’t they tell us what those opportunities are? I want to know. And when they say they’re leaving to spend more time with their family, why don’t they tell us how the family feels about it?
If they can make a self-cleaning oven, why can’t they make a self-cleaning refrigerator? And a self-cleaning shower? And a self-cleaning toilet? And a self-shoveling driveway? And a self-mowing lawn? Is that asking too much?
Why don’t the kinks you make in your hair with your curling iron last as long as the ones you make when you take a ten-minute nap?
Is it bad to wear night cream during the day?
Why has there been a sudden rash of e-mail from people desperately needing to get millions of dollars out of their countries and wanting me to help them do it? Do I look gullible? Don’t answer that.
And speaking of that, why is it called spam instead of something more appropriate, like electronic cow manure or e-poo?
Why do advertisers show skinny models eating fatty foods? Is that the only time the poor things get to eat?
How do people live in the same house for years and not know where the Kleenex and paper towels are stored? And how does someone who can go through a roll of paper towels in three days do without them indefinitely until mom finally breaks down and goes to the basement for more?
Why don’t snorers wake themselves up like they do everybody else?
Why do baseball players have to spit so much? Do they have more saliva than the rest of us do?
Why does it take longer to clean up a mess than it does to make it?
Why do socks work on either foot, but shoes don’t?
And speaking of socks, if I’m going to lose at least two every time I do the laundry, why can’t they be from the same pair?
Why is it a “pair of pants” rather than a pant with a pair of legs? It’s a shirt with a pair of sleeves, isn’t it?
And finally, there really are dumb questions, aren’t there?
(Send your answers to drosby@rushmore.com or see www.dorothyrosby.com.)
